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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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(WHOOSHING)
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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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KRYTEN: ♪ Happy Birthday to you
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♪ Happy Birthday to you
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♪ Happy Birthday, Mr Lister
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♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
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Today?
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It's the big one, sir.
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What, I'm thirty?
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- (CHUCKLES)
- Forty?
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What am I doing? I don't want to know!
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Don't want to know.
Brain, I'm not listening.
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La la la la la la la. (MIMICS SINGING)
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The years pass, but with them comes
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the soothing balm of
new found grace and maturity.
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Now eat up because
it's time for your present.
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I don't need a present, Krytes.
I've got everything I need.
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Sir, you've got nothing.
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No life, no partner, no future.
You're so easy to shop for.
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- (GROANS)
- (CAT SCREAMING IN TUNE)
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Hey bud, answer me this,
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am I actually getting more good-looking?
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'Cause, yesterday, I was looking
at myself in the mirror
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and the next thing you know, it's today.
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Hey, are you even listening to me?
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- (GASPING) Chest. Chest.
- Huh?
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You wanna play chess?
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But we're missing half the pieces,
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and even the pieces we've got,
aren't all there.
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And as for that horsey one.
Where the hell are his legs?
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Okay, what is wrong with you today?
Why are you acting so crazy.
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(THUD)
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Mmm.
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It's your birthday
and you have a heart attack.
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It could only happen to you.
It's hilarious.
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- You realize now, you'll have to retire.
- Retire?
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You'll have to take it easy, stop work.
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You'll probably spend most of your days
sitting in the sleeping quarters,
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watching TV, having your meals
delivered to you on a tray. No, wait.
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You're really loving this, aren't you?
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I will be in a minute when KRYTEN
comes in and takes your temperature
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with a rectal thermometer.
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And as it's your birthday,
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here's hoping he puts a candle
on the end and asks you to blow it out.
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Good news, sir.
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Why, even more good news,
what this time?
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Mr Lister's heart is tickety-boo.
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Apparently, it was
a severe indigestion attack.
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I'm not sure
what could have caused that.
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So, can I leave
after I've finished this?
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Well. The MC says you're
no longer a medical emergency,
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but as a precaution, I'd like to insert
a monitoring chip into your bloodstream.
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- (BEEP)
- (AIR HISSING)
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What does it do exactly?
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Why don't you ask it yourself.
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- (BEEPING)
- (WHIRRING)
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CHIPPY: (ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hello, Dave.
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I'm Chippy, your health-monitoring mate.
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I'm currently travelling through
your body collecting medi-data.
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Right now I 'm in your heart,
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trying to get down one of your arteries.
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(CHIPPY STRAINING)
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A bit of a squeeze.
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(CONTINUES STRAINING)
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- That was tight.
- Is everything okay?
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Well, if I'm honest, I've been better,
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my battery's not what it was.
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I was talking about me.
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Oh, I see.
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Well, Dave, some of your arteries have
more fur than an Eskimo clothes shop,
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but diet and exercise can fix all that.
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I can also monitor your improvement
by giving you daily updates
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of when you're likely to die.
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Would you like to know that, Dave?
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Yes, please, man.
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You'll be 63, Dave.
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Rimmer! I didn't want to know that!
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Actually, I think I am
getting chest pains now.
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You are getting chest pains, Dave.
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Yeah, it's the stress of listening
to you telling me when I'm gonna die!
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I'll run some tests.
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I 'm sure there's no cause of...
Oh, dear.
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Oh, dear what?
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- (BEEPING)
- (WARNING ALARM SOUNDING)
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CHIPPY: Dave, please remain calm,
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but you have a giant arterial blockage
in your left coronary artery.
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The stress of hearing you're
going to die has caused you to die.
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Smegging hell. I'm gonna die.
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Now, please call emergency services.
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On second thoughts,
best not waste their time.
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As I'm afraid you're going to die
right now, Dave.
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Three, two, one.
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- (CHIPPY EXPLODES)
- (POWERING DOWN)
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What the smeg happened there?
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It appears Chippy mixed up
your death with its own.
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Why?
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Request permission to carry out
a full investigation, sir.
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Permission granted.
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It seems the corrupted files were caused
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because Chippy was
running off old software.
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- How come?
- For several years now,
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the system updates
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haven't been automatically installing.
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Why didn't it show up
on any of the consoles?
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- A broken connection?
- Or maybe, someone unplugged something
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and used them
for his heated curling tongs?
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And there was a voice that said,
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"Do not unplug,
software updates will not be installed."
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And this dude had to make a choice
between his hair and the updates.
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And he chose his hair.
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Maybe?
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- You did that?
- You've been spying on me?
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KRYTEN, get the updates installed.
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Let's see what
we've been missing out on.
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(BEEPING)
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(WHIRRING)
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(MELODIC TUNE PLAYING)
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M-Corp?
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Your company has been bought by M-Corp.
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You probably have a lot of questions.
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Who is M-Corp? What do we do?
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Let's find out together.
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M-Corp is the biggest multinational
conglomerate in known space.
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We lead, we innovate using
our patented M-Corp port technology.
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Your ship will now be stocked
with a variety of M-Corp products
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to elevate your lifestyle in space.
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M-Corp. We love looking after you.
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Computers!
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TVs.
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Microwaves.
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KRYTEN, give me a hand to take some
of this stuff up to the Science Room.
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Hey, look.
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They even do lager!
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Wow! Look at this.
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6.5% ABV. Aromatic barrel-aged
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- with hints of honey and citrus.
- Hmm.
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I'll put these bad boys in the fridge.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Hey, it's empty.
Where's the Leopard Lager?
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They're in there. Can't you see 'em?
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Erm, no!
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No?
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Are you blind?
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What's this?
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- What's what?
- This.
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Is this a wind up?
You're not holding anything.
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Well, if I'm not holding a can of beer,
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no beer will come out when I shake it
and pull the ring pull, right?
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- Right.
- (BOTH MIMICKING GROANS)
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- Okay
- (CAN OPENS)
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(CHUCKLES)
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Huh? Huh?
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What the smeg is going on?
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(SLURPING)
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Tasty.
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I can see M-Corp beer
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but I can't see any other kinds of beer.
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For instance, I can see this.
But I can't see this.
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With your permission, sir,
I'd like to conduct some tests.
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- Can you see this?
- Yes.
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And can you see this?
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- No.
- Extraordinary.
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- Can you see this?
- Yes.
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- And finally, can you see this?
- (VIBRATING)
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No.
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I'm just praying
that's an electric toothbrush.
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- It's much as I feared, sir.
- What?
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Something really weird is going on.
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Well, obviously, KRYTEN, but what?
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It appears the M-Corp upgrade
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has installed some sort of
perception filter software
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and you're the only one affected.
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We can fix this, right?
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- I do have one small fear, sir.
- What?
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- Well, several small fears.
- What?
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In fact, more than several fears
and they're not that small.
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What?
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For now,
let's restrict it to the largest.
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Which is what!
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Due to the M-Corp perception software,
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all non-M-Corp products
will become invisible to you.
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Right.
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So what's the most important thing
on board that's not M-Corp?
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Well, can I be frank?
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Of course, just get on with it.
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The most important thing on board
that's not M-Corp is me, sir.
187
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Diva Droid International
aren't owned by M-Corp.
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M-Corp make droids, too?
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Droids, space craft, light bees
for holograms, you name it.
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- That doesn't include me does it?
- Well, I'm afraid it does, sir.
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But you just said
the most important thing on board
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that was affected by this was you.
193
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You said I could be frank, sir.
194
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How on earth can you be
more important than me?
195
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,726
(INAUDIBLE)
196
00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,089
I can't hear him. I can't hear Rimmer.
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And you're complaining?
198
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(INAUDIBLE)
199
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:19,486
Wait, Cat, say something else.
200
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,567
(INAUDIBLE)
201
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,610
It appears the perception
filter software's kicking in, sir.
202
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,211
And now I'm the only... (INAUDIBLE)
203
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:33,444
I can't hear you either now, KRYTEN.
What do I do? How do I fix this?
204
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,000
Rimmer's become invisible.
205
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,287
(INAUDIBLE)
206
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:39,561
So has Cat.
207
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:42,961
I can't hear you, Krytes.
208
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Skip the sirs,
get straight to the point.
209
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,409
- (INAUDIBLE)
- You think?
210
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:50,526
At some point in the future...
211
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,210
you'll become invisible, too.
212
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:57,811
You think I don't know that.
213
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,204
M-Corp. We love looking after you.
214
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,090
(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)
215
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:26,407
(BEER CAN CRUSHES)
216
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,088
- (GUITAR STRUMS)
- Oh, me guitar.
217
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,848
(POWER CHORD)
218
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:43,607
(TRIMMER WHIRRING)
219
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,042
(TOOTHBRUSH WHIRRING)
220
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,326
(KNOCKING)
221
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,328
(METAL SLICING)
222
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:06,561
(CLICKS)
223
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,089
You stealing my food?
Get the hell out of here.
224
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,691
No, I didn't mean that.
225
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,609
You can have the food. Just come back.
226
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,001
Cat?
227
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:29,971
RIMMER: Anything on M-Corp?
228
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,846
They bought Earth
in the late 26th century.
229
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,281
Bought Earth? Bought what exactly?
230
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,050
They bought the entire planet, sir.
231
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,249
And everything on it.
Including fixtures and fittings.
232
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,728
Oceans, countries, animals, houses,
curtains, you name it.
233
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,686
They even bought
all the stuff no one likes.
234
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:50,163
Maggots, quicksand,
even the American chocolate.
235
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:54,645
Where'd they get the dough from?
236
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:58,767
M-Corp owned all the electricity
and oil and gas and wind.
237
00:12:58,840 --> 00:12:59,887
Even the rain water.
238
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,644
But the rain water belongs to Earth.
239
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,563
To everyone and everything on it.
240
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,644
My God, I've turned into a hippy.
241
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,490
And the Earth dudes
just stood around and let this happen?
242
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:14,007
Well, by then, M-Corp had
introduced a law to tax thinking.
243
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,006
A Think Tax?
244
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,969
You'd have got a rebate every year.
245
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:26,969
They monitored the electrical charges
the brain consumed, firing neurons
246
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,530
and charged accordingly.
247
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,367
As the brain requires electrical charges
to do practically anything,
248
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:33,885
blink, drink, think,
249
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,611
no one could afford
the thinking time to fight back.
250
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:38,844
We've got to get rid of
the M-Corp update
251
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,241
before it takes over Red Dwarf
like it took over Earth.
252
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,642
But how? It's already starting
to get rid of us by making us invisible.
253
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,526
If we can access the ship's mainframe,
254
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:51,127
we may be able to reboot Red Dwarf
back to its factory settings.
255
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,847
- It sounds dangerous, I don't like it.
- What happens to me?
256
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,445
You'll cease to exist, sir.
257
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,484
(CAT HUMS)
258
00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,491
It's starting to grow on me.
259
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,526
I have a solution, though.
260
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:06,441
We take one of your backup drives,
before the new software was loaded,
261
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,763
then reload you back onto
the system when we reboot.
262
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,321
So, I'll have lost
a month's memory, but no more.
263
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:13,401
Precisely.
264
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,487
He builds you up, then knocks you down.
265
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:22,284
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
266
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,209
ANITER: Looking for more from life?
267
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,328
Then why not visit us at M-Corp
268
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,926
for a no strings attached,
trial weekend,
269
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,885
served by your own artificial assistant.
270
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,045
Artificial assistant?
271
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,410
Maybe they can help me
get the guys back.
272
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,130
Step into the teleporter,
273
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,564
and let us introduce you to our world.
274
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,884
(WHIRRING)
275
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,691
What's going on?
276
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:58,923
I look like a yoga instructor.
277
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:15,890
Welcome to M-Corp.
278
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,691
A pay-per-life,
virtual integrated environment.
279
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,810
Most people who come, stay forever.
280
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,482
I just want to switch this perception
filter off so I can see the guys again.
281
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:28,882
There are five life packages.
282
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,611
Platinum, Gold, Silver,
Basic and Basic Lite.
283
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:36,242
With the credits available to you, Dave,
you are eligible to purchase Basic Lite.
284
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,446
The worst one?
285
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,689
I'm on that life package already.
286
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,044
Basic Lite allows you
to talk to five people,
287
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,771
up to a cap of 200 words per day.
288
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,048
And what?
Then you've got to stop talking?
289
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,330
The average man speaks
7,000 words per day.
290
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,251
The average woman speaks 20,000.
291
00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,649
So you may need to purchase more,
292
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,809
or alternatively,
293
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,445
you can wait until the following day
294
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,330
where you'll be eligible
to begin speaking again.
295
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,965
You know that's mad.
296
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,481
And anyway, there's no one here.
Who do I talk to?
297
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,486
You can purchase friends, Dave,
ideally matched to your interests.
298
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,331
Meet Steve.
299
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,648
Hi, Dave, I'm Steve.
300
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,641
We're going to be really good mates.
301
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,761
Would you like to purchase Steve, Dave?
302
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,042
He's just three hundred dollar-pounds?
303
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,762
You know you want to.
304
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,201
No.
305
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,804
I don't want to buy Steve
or any other hobbit for that matter.
306
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,081
But I'm a bargain.
307
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,522
I play drums. I drink real ale.
308
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,246
I love Zero-G,
309
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,051
and I'm really crap at computer games,
310
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:47,645
so you will always beat me.
311
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,246
It's a match made in heaven.
312
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,247
No.
313
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:52,767
Bummer.
314
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,402
Look, I'm not interested.
just get your software off my ship,
315
00:16:58,760 --> 00:16:59,966
'cause I want to go home.
316
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:04,131
At present you don't have enough credits
to cancel your trial weekend, Dave,
317
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,443
but you could earn credits
and then buy early release.
318
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,128
I found the master reboot box
319
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,647
in Captain Hollister's
super secure, lead strong box.
320
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,847
It's ready to take your stand-in
senior officer password.
321
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,089
And my replacement file's on standby?
322
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,446
Right here, sir.
323
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:31,881
Here we go.
324
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,564
It's gone clean out of my head.
325
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,924
I can't remember any passwords.
326
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,567
I don't even know the code
to my Space Cadet lunch box.
327
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,885
Lets not panic, sir.
328
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,810
Perhaps you can answer
the secret security question.
329
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,042
The one you chose
when you set up the system.
330
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,241
Here's the question you set:
331
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:52,047
"Who did you share
your first kiss with?"
332
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,851
I'll type this: "Uncle Frank".
333
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,324
KRYTEN, that was personal.
334
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:00,931
It was a special moment,
335
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,005
I had no wish to share it with
the rest of world, if you don't mind.
336
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,129
You already told us this story.
337
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:09,443
The dude snuck into your bedroom
because he thought you were your mama.
338
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,729
I was asleep, okay.
Now if you don't mind, can I get on?
339
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,086
Is that what he said?
340
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,682
Sir, when you set
the security question up,
341
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:20,286
why didn't you simply put
in the name of your first love?
342
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,362
The questions are
supposed to be obscure,
343
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:24,681
so it's hard for anyone
to break in and get inside.
344
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,371
Unlike your kissing lips.
345
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:29,560
Ah. We did it.
346
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,008
Red Dwarf is about to reboot.
347
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,044
(POWERING DOWN)
348
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,002
(POWERING UP)
349
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,444
What happened? Where are we?
350
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,251
Sir, you've rebooted
from your safety file.
351
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:47,925
You've missed the last month.
352
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,206
I did? What happened?
353
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,330
I beat you at poker this morning
and you agreed to be my slave for a day.
354
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:53,970
The rest, he'll fill you in.
355
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,690
Come on, Mr Lister should be
able to see us now.
356
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,725
There's no way I'm buying anything
off you guys. Ever.
357
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,001
(YELPS)
358
00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:09,407
Would you like to buy
some pain pills, Dave?
359
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:10,641
No. (YELPS)
360
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,008
We can dock it directly
from your account.
361
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,923
All right, fine. Quick.
362
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,651
(COIN CLINKS)
363
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,170
Water. I need a glass of water.
364
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,641
That will be 40 dollar-pounds, Dave.
365
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:25,921
For water?
366
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,161
For the glass.
367
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,490
The water is a further
400 dollar-pounds.
368
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,687
- I'll pay now.
- (COIN CLINKS)
369
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,603
You caused that pain somehow,
didn't you?
370
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,482
Well, that's it.
I'm not buying anything else.
371
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,529
Whoa. Fire.
372
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,365
Where's the fire extinguisher?
373
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,529
If you're in need of
a fire extinguisher, you're in luck,
374
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,688
because for a limited time only,
375
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,842
we're having a sale
on fire extinguishers.
376
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,930
They're currently
just 600 dollar-pounds.
377
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,970
No, I'm not buying one!
I'm taking a stand...
378
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,611
- (FIRE INTENSIFIES)
- Okay, I am buying one!
379
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:06,841
I'm not taking a stand.
380
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,287
For an additional payment
would you like to purchase
381
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,442
insurance for
your fire extinguisher, Dave?
382
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,888
Yeah. Fine. Just give me
the smegging extinguisher!
383
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,651
(HISSING)
384
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,164
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
385
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,208
You know what? There is actually.
386
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,170
You can go and take a flying...
387
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:30,730
(BEEPING)
I'm afraid you've depleted
388
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,484
your word account for today, Dave.
389
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,245
(INAUDIBLE)
390
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,164
You'd like to buy more words?
391
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,408
How many words
would you like to buy, Dave?
392
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,005
(INAUDIBLE) Seven thousand.
393
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,929
You've run out of credits, Dave.
394
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,680
So now, we remove time
from your lifeline.
395
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:51,966
You charge in time?
396
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:53,845
Why do you charge in time?
397
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,729
Everything costs time, Dave.
398
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,407
It's the most valuable commodity
in the universe.
399
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,204
I've got older again. Why?
400
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,487
That's the charge for my guidance, Dave.
401
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,723
As you've no longer got any credits,
402
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,646
I now charge you, in life.
403
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,246
Mr Lister, sir!
404
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,210
He's not here. Where the hell's he gone?
405
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:17,845
It looks like he used this teleporter.
406
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,365
We've got to track him down.
407
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:20,680
How? He could be anywhere.
408
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:23,691
Well, if I can repair Chippy's computer,
409
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,808
we might be able to re-establish contact
410
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,451
with the implant
that's inside Mr Lister's body.
411
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:30,443
- And track that down?
- Precisely.
412
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:33,761
All repaired.
413
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,931
I'm getting a signal
but his lifeline is very weak.
414
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,081
We don't have much time.
415
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,449
Printing tele-coordinates now.
416
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,010
(BEEPING)
417
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:48,367
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
418
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:57,327
Who are these people?
419
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:01,444
Excuse me, do you know a Dave Lister?
420
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:04,365
Dave? Sure, he's my friend.
421
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,490
ALL: We're all his friends.
422
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,364
So Lister bought all this stuff?
423
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,842
How? Where's he got the dough?
424
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,168
(EXCLAIMS) It's Mr Lister!
425
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,725
They've charged him in time.
We've got to get him out of here.
426
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:28,764
He still can't see or hear us.
427
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,370
Let's get him to the teleporter.
428
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,006
Hey, what's going on? Why am I moving?
429
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:41,727
Welcome to M-Corp. A pay-per-life
virtual integrated environment.
430
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,564
We don't want to buy anything from you.
431
00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:45,530
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
432
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:49,366
There's nothing I can sell you?
How about a sound system?
433
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:51,450
- ALL: No!
- I'd love one.
434
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:55,164
How about a lightweight,
hydro mop steam cleaner?
435
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:56,241
ALL: No.
436
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:57,651
Okay. I'll have one of them, too.
437
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,888
Everyone wants to buy something.
438
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,530
We're never gonna get out of here.
439
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:04,126
Wait, I have it.
440
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:05,441
Excuse me, miss.
441
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:09,047
We'd like to buy a malicious virus
that will shut you down
442
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:10,645
and allow us to escape.
443
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:14,323
Certainly. Thank you
for shopping with M-Corp.
444
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,522
We hope to see you again soon.
445
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,284
(POWERING DOWN)
446
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,364
(DOOR OPENING)
447
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,243
Does that mean
I don't get me hydro steamer?
448
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:31,366
Mr Lister?
449
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:33,969
He still can't see or hear us.
450
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:35,371
Let's get him back to Red Dwarf.
451
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,722
What's going on guys? Is this you?
452
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:51,805
This doesn't make sense.
453
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,326
We're no longer running
the M-Corp software.
454
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,210
We've rebooted the ship.
Why can't he see or hear us?
455
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:58,691
I still can't see or hear you.
456
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,242
So if this thing ain't in the ship,
where is it?
457
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:06,890
Unless of course it's not the ship
that contains the M-Corp software,
458
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,485
it's in Mr Lister.
459
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,769
The perception software didn't hack
Red Dwarf It hacked Lister's brain.
460
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:12,966
So lemme get this straight.
461
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,520
Are you saying Dreadlock Dave's
got some kind of virus in his head.
462
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,443
If so, how come I didn't catch it?
463
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,761
Perhaps it needs
more than two bytes of RAM.
464
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:23,607
So what we gonna do?
465
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:27,123
To get rid of the virus,
we have to treat Mr Lister's brain
466
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:29,368
in the same way we'd treat
a corrupted computer.
467
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:34,526
We have to delete everything
and reinstall new files.
468
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,922
Perhaps if I patch through to Chippy,
469
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,004
we can communicate with him
on a different frequency.
470
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,322
Mr Lister, can you hear me?
471
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:47,367
KRYTEN?
472
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,964
Sir, we need to reinstall
your personality.
473
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,210
It's the only way
to rid your brain of this virus.
474
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,089
Where are we gonna get
my personality from?
475
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:59,528
The JMC always backs up its crew's files
476
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,171
to enable it to resurrect
any single crew member
477
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:03,526
back as a hologram.
478
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:08,003
According to the logs, sir, your last
file save was when you were 23.
479
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,800
Are you saying, I'm going to lose
everything I've learned
480
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,484
and go back to being 23?
481
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,645
That whole wealth of wisdom
and knowledge and experience
482
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:17,767
will go down the flusher?
483
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,521
Don't worry bud, give us a few minutes,
we'll fill you in.
484
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:24,527
Perhaps I can rebuild your full profile
485
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,682
based on CCTV recordings.
486
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,770
But it'll take at least a month
to get you fully restored.
487
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,924
LISTER: ♪ To Ganymede and Titan
Yes, sir, I've been around ♪
488
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:39,445
RIMMER: Lister, stop singing.
489
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,121
Yes, sir, Rimmer, sir.
490
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,169
(STARTS HUMMING)
491
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,322
- Lister, shut up!
- I'm only humming.
492
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:49,481
Well, don't hum.
493
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:56,970
Oh, God, he's back.
494
00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,125
Hey, Bugsy, top bunk!
495
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:03,321
(THEME SONG PLAYING)